A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Fishing is the sport of drowning worms.
Daylight savings time: Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I almost had a psychic boyfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I once had a dog I named "peeve" so I could really say, "I have a pet peeve."
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
.I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
In order to avoid criticism, never do anything. Ever.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if it says, "Open somewhere else"?
No man knows less than the man who knows it all.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Not afraid of heights...afraid of widths.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
The four stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He plays Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
The world is full of willing people: Some willing to work and some willing to let them.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
What do you call a chicken that is afraid?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?